When my friend and model Patrice Laren asked me if I’d do a shoot with her to get photos of  a new costume she was working on, I of course jumped at the chance. She also had a couple other friends who wanted to come to see how I set up shoots — a very odd experience I have to say, but the fun part was to come next.

Patrice also wanted to have some gun props, so she asked a mutual friend of ours if he could lend her some guns for the shoot — we’re talking real guns here, the kind that shoot things dead. Come shoot time we meet up and it’s like some kind of post-apocalyptic dinner party. Her two observing friends are there asking me questions about cameras and lighting, sitting around the dining room table which is absolutely covered with over a dozen different kinds of firearms. Handguns, rifles, shotguns, and then various combat knives sprinkled here and there like some kind of garnish.

Our gun friend is there enthusiastically explaining each weapon to the group, its history, when it was created and by whom, what its advantages and disadvantages are. Patrice, meanwhile, is spending over an hour in and out of the bathroom doing all manner of complicated make-up things, flitting out from time to time to debate over which guns she wants to use.

Incidentally I should point out that as a photographer, I understand — in some vague ill-defined way — that all that make-up and hair stuff makes for some kind of difference in the end. But as a guy, I don’t understand the process at all. She looked about the same to me a half hour into the process as an hour in.

1/80th at f4.2 on ISO 400 with 35mm focal length

I finally attempted to conclude at least the firearm discussion:

WoodJr: Don’t worry about what they’re used for. Just pick the one you think looks cool. That’s all that matters.

Patrice: Well, I like this one. And these are awesome. And this is huge. Maybe we should just bring them all.

WoodJr: No, no, no, we are not bringing all of these. There is no way we’re doing these shots with every single one of these guns.

Patrice: Well… I don’t know. Which of these looks better?

WoodJr: Okay, you know what, let’s just go with two handguns. These two look fine, that’s all we need.

Patrice: I like this one better, it’s shiny.

WoodJr: Fair enough. Those two then.

Patrice: And one of these big ones.

WoodJr: Okay, fine, and one rifle. But that’s it! Are we ready now? Let’s get started.

Patrice: No, I have to finish my make-up obviously.

When everything was finally decided, the party trooped downstairs to the studio where I had the lights set up. This was before I had strobes, so these were continuous lights. A 750 watt Tota and a pair of Impact 500 watt floodlights. The temperature in the room was reminiscent of the surface of the sun. I saw the dessicated husks of spiders falling dead from the ceiling, killed and shriveled by the heat, the telltale shimmer of heat waves blasting out the windows and setting a neighborhood cat ablaze.

It was a shoot we’d have to do quickly or all that vinyl Patrice was wearing was going to melt and suffocate her.

1/160th at f4.2 on ISO 800 with 35mm focal length

There are a handful of important safety tips to keep in mind when shooting with actual firearms: First off, the owner — the one with an actual license for them — should be present. Obviously and most importantly they must not be loaded. Every single time you pick one up, you should check to make sure it’s not loaded, including checking the chamber, and then make sure the safety is on. If you set a gun down for 10 seconds to stamp out a small fire the heat of your lights just created in the carpet, when you pick that gun up again you check it all over again. Every single time you pick it up. And finally, even with these precautions, you never, ever, actually point the gun at anyone.

This last bit was the part that Patrice had some troubles getting used to.

As we were switching between setups she’d inevitably be pointing the gun at someone — one of her observers, quietly melting behind the lights, the owner of the guns, or at me. When she talked she’d gesticulate with a gun, pointing it wildly every which way. There was a lot of ducking out of the line of fire with “Hey, don’t point that at me!”

In the end we got several good shots. I added a sword to the getup, which seemed appropriate (and let’s admit here, is far cooler than a gun anyway) and despite the hours of setup and wading through cases of guns, and the sweltering heat of the lights, it was a good shoot, and great fun.

I think it was during this shoot, in fact, that I finally decided that I had to have some strobes. I could not go on with those hot lights and crummy shutter speeds.

1/100 at f3.5 on ISO 800 -- background just manufactured in Photoshop since the ugly floor was in the shot.